Wednesday, February 28, 2007

i'm a GUY for a day

so for one day, i decided to live like a GUY to see what it is like.

***

my alarm clock went off at noon, and i was like, oh fuck, and i scratched my crotch like over and over and over. then i, like, wanted breakfast so i, like, killed a mouse and started eating its raw organs? with a beer? and another beer and another beer until i had, like, six bottles of beer? (yeah, well, actually the mouse was dead anyway for about a week, so it wasn't like i was disrestpecting peta and shit.)


it was now 12:15, and i was like, "damn, i've been up for fifteen minutes and i ain't got no pussy yet!" yeah, so i threw up on the kitchen table and, like, just left the puke there. (i do that anyway sometimes as a womyn though...)


then i walked into every room of the apartment and peed on the floor, cause every room belongs to me! (i had to, like, use p-mate to do this the right way.)


fuck, i had to go to class.


like, i didn't know which class, but i figured i would just, like, show up? and would see whatever class was in session? whatever!


so, i taped on a fake beard, and i got in my car, and, like really accelerated hard to the red signal at the corner where there was this, like, total "babe"? in the next lane?


and i'm like all "man, what i could with that!" yeah, she didn't like hearing that, and i didn't like saying that, but i'm a guy today!


"hey sugarcakes, that's some fine pair o' tits ya got!" yeah, she got mad, and i don't blame her! i mean, this is like, what happens all the time to wymyn? so, anyway, she drove off, but, like, part of my guy-supply was a bottle of rubber cement in my pocket? yeah, i squirted it on her car, and it, like, got all over her windshield and made, like, a TOTAL mess when the wiper blades started smearing it around? and i'm like all, "hey shitcakes, what the fuck do you want? I'm a guyyyyy!!!"


so anyway, i parked the car, and said, "fucking hell, i still haven't had any pussy today!" so I walked over to a lampost and, like, humped it? yeah, i poured rubber cement on that shit too!


i then opened my trunk and pulled out this big fucking sheet of attic insulation, and dragged it into the building. i got to the lobby, and said, "damn, i've got an urge!" so i, like humped the insulation and then poured rubber cement on it. that fucking shit is also a mess with rubber cement! like, the fibers get all gummed together?


anyway, i dragged the insulation through the halls and passed a classroom with professor kurgman lecturing in it. yeah, this must be my fucking class! so i kicked the fucking door in and swaggered in and professor kurgman is all "kathy, you're a guy today -- you can now get a taste of what it means to be in charge of patriarchichal (whatever!) society for one day!"


so i went to the front of the room and peed on his desk. then i peed on the walls. this is my fucking classroom cause i'm a guy! i blew a heap of wind out of my ass and yelled "i gotta leave early today to see the big game. and to get laid."


yeah, the whole class cheered!


"i'm gonna fix this fucking closet door now, it fucking squeaks like a bitch in heat!" yeah, i put a big fucking hammer to the closet door, like BANG, and then i took an axe and smashed the fucking thing apart with one blow. "it's all fixed now 'cause i'm a guyyyy!"


and professor kurgman said that he would suspend all of his classes unless the administration paid for my broken axe handle! he's tenured!


so i then turned to this wymyn classmate and said "let's do it babe!" and started humping her right in the fucking classroom...guy that i am fucking am! (yeah, she's like bi and shit, so she didn't give a shit about that shit.) i then squirted rubber cement on her, and said to her, "you better sew my gummy attic insulation, bitch!" then I threw the insulation at her and squirted rubber cement all over the classroom.


and professor kurgman said that today's experience can, like, count as part of my dissertation?


fuck yeah!


so, i then stuck my hand down my pants and pulled some lice out of my ass, and then fell asleep in the classroom, making sure to snore like a fucking pig.


at the end of the day, i became a respectable wymyn again -- though i had to give up my power. someday, wymwyn are gonna take the fuck over. men suck ass.

1 comment:

shlemazl said...

Wow. You have to tell me where this came from.