the minimum wage
a paper to get my first phd
part 1: history
a long time ago, people worked for nothing. they were slaves. everything we have today is from the slaves. slaves would do whatever slaves would do and their owners -- usually jews -- would keep all the profits. this was so unfair!
part 2: revolution
so malcolm x started a revolution that finally made the jews pay the slaves. that's why we're celebrating king day next week. malcolm x was a king!
part 3: wal-mart
today, wal-mart still has slaves. instead of letting them join a union, they lock them in the stores overnight and burn them to death. then they get a new batch of slaves the next day. motherfuckers!
part 4: corporate capitalism
the word for wal-mart and all other slave-owners is corporate capitalism. capitalism comes from the latin, or maybe greek, word "rape" because they rape the women before they burn them to death. they don't rape the men because they're homophobic.
part 5: the union movement
unions are progressive because they kick ass!
part 6: the democratic party
unlike dead white republicans like gerald ford, democrats make sure that the working people aren't exploited. they say if you hire someone, you have to pay them what they deserve. and if you're too dumbass to know what your workers deserve, then the democratic party will tell you that workers everywhere, no matter what they do, need $7.65 an hour and health benefits and disability benefits and overtime benefits and time-off benefits and unemployment benefits and social security benefits and medicare benefits and maternity leave benefits and physically-challenged benefits and equal-worth benefits and non-discrimination benefits and vacation benefits and guaranteed job benefits just to survive. you know what that means? survival! it ain't easy!
part 7: the communist party
they know about real worker liberation. the democrats talk too much, but the communists act! there has never been a minimum-wage problem in a communist country. in cuba, everyone works at whatever they want to do and they they don't care how much they make because they're happy! they have a rich culture (source: new york times) and really good health care (source: new york times).
part 8: economics
if you can't pay workers the minimum wage, then we won't let your racist ass hire any workers! that'll make you think twice about exploiting working people. we'll shut down your business. then you'll be in the street where we can pound your white balls in, and the workers will be liberated!